Therapy can help parents know themselves better and raise their children better. A mother and father, parents of two young girls, were in treatment with me. The mother was in therapy addressing her tendency to flee strong emotions from within herself and from others. The father was in therapy addressing his tendency to avoid spontaneity and disturbing emotion by controlling a situation or others.

The mother called for a joint parent appointment with the father because both were growing increasingly frustrated with their two daughters. They wanted my perspective and specifically wanted “help to make the kids listen to the rules.” The mother and father explained how at every juncture arguments broke out between parent and child: getting dressed, putting their shoes on, getting in the car, going to bed, and more.

The father bellowed, “They’re not listening to me!” The mother chimed in, “They don’t follow the rules!”

I thought about the situation for a moment. I knew in my work with the parents that their daughters, now ages three and four, were generally happy and well-behaved children who did not have major problems. What could be going on? I had an idea, but I asked for more details to get a better picture of these heated arguments.

The mother explained that in the morning, especially when they were in a rush, the girls didn’t put on their socks and shoes promptly and then, further adding to the frustration, took their time getting into their car seats. Often, they seemed to push back when rushed. “If they can’t listen to me to get their shoes on, how are they going to listen to me when it’s about something dangerous?” she shouted.

The father told me more about how he saw it. He often had bath duty and increasingly his daughters fought against getting into the tub and washing up. Getting them into bed to read a book or sing songs was a battle. “Our oldest will look right at me when I say it’s time to get in bed and say, ‘No. I don’t care!’ They need to go to bed but there’s nothing I can do!”

Clearly, the mother was becoming anxious about the future while running away from the present, and the father was becoming increasingly angry as he was losing control over his daughters. Both parents had lost perspective about where their children were developmentally. I paused for a moment to let them cool down after they voiced their frustrations. I looked at them with a smile and said, “They’re becoming more independent. That’s great news!” The mother looked relieved though still unsure, but the father continued to look annoyed.

“If they did everything you said just so, they’d go on to do that and not make up their own minds about what to do for themselves.” This got the father thinking.

I explained more, “Look, I know you both well and I have a good sense of your kids. They’re not unruly beasts that need to be tamed. Part of developing independence is figuring out one’s needs and boundaries. They’re constantly developing and becoming more independent. You both have a good sense of time and punctuality but that’s not where they are. In other contexts you have both told me how much fun it is to be silly with them and how that’s often how you connect best with them. When you’re tired and frustrated you’re taking short cuts that aren’t working. Skipping the ‘silly sock song’ and demanding that your three-year- old ‘get your socks and shoes on right away’ isn’t working. Yelling at them instead of meeting them where they are, even if it means getting into the bath and bed later, isn’t working. Their behavior isn’t pathological. That’s just raising kids. It’s hard and it takes a lot of patience. So, give them a break, use your silly voices, and play with them. Meet them on their level, even when you’re frustrated, and let me know how it goes.”

I was delighted to hear a couple of weeks later that the mother was feeling much better. She quickly developed a clearer perspective and as she put it, “I changed my expectations.” She accepted her children where they were.

The father continued to work on expressing his frustration in his individual therapy sessions. This allowed him to discharge his feelings without interfering in his children’s lives until he could also accept the situation. About a month later, the father informed me that he was feeling better and whenever he did still get frustrated it was manageable.

Both parents reported that the children were “doing great.”

Edited and posted with permission of the ACO.