Therapy can help parents know themselves better and raise their children better. A mother and father, parents of two young girls, were in treatment with me. The mother was addressing her tendency to flee strong emotions— from others and from within herself. The father was addressing his tendency to avoid spontaneity and disturbing emotion by trying to control a situation or other people.

In one earlier therapy session, the father was telling me about his concerns about how his wife was handling their children and their angry tantrums. He was frustrated and critical of her. They had been at odds recently about dealing with their children who, while developing well, were taking a large amount of energy from them both but especially their mother who spent the most time raising them. The father complained to me about how she sometimes indulged them with toys or treats if she was struggling to manage them. If they asked her for something repeatedly after she said no, she might give in, seemingly unable to stand her ground against their anger. The father told me that one day he barked at her, “The kids need to be able to get upset!” I asked how his wife responded to him.

He described her as “defensive” and said she snapped back, “You’re not the one home all day dealing with them! Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot!” I thought to myself for a moment: the father was right. And the mother was right. He, while seemingly correct to be concerned about thwarting his developing children’s tolerance and expression of discontent and anger, was missing what was right in front of him. Facing the intense feelings of the two lively children for hours and hours on her own took a toll on her and hearing critical feedback from her husband was the last thing she needed. I was encouraged to hear that she didn’t just take the criticism from him.

I told the father, “She’s doing a lot. She’s raising the kids on her own.” I knew that while the family had help with babysitters, the mother didn’t have any strong emotional support in simply being a mom. Except from her husband, that is. Because he was the mother’s only emotional support his criticizing her, however “well intended,” added to the frustrations she was facing and emotionally shut her down. This prevented her from going to him when she needed him the most. To his credit, he expressed his frustration in his therapy, came to understand his wife’s difficulties and made a concerted effort to not say a word when feeling critical of her. This reduced the antagonism between them, helped her feel supported, and see that he, in fact, saw that she was working hard and doing an excellent job with their two girls. It also helped her to see that he was very appreciative of all her efforts. On his part, he was developing a clearer perspective and learning to accept his family as it was rather than how it “should be.”

Confirming the father’s development and that the parents were working better together and being emotionally available to each other, a few weeks after his session, mother, in her session, raged about her children. Instead of dealing with the secondary frustration between herself and her husband, she was able to deal with the primary reality. She told me about all her annoyances with motherhood and especially feeling like she was being smothered by the children always wanting her to be next to them or to hold them. In the session, the tension grew and grew, and then she exploded, “I hate them!” She started to cry, and I sat with her not saying a word but looking at her to confirm that I knew she was just angry and in fact did not hate her children. She loved them dearly but was simply learning to tolerate not only their anger and rage but also her own.

Edited and posted with permission of the ACO.