Therapy can help parents know themselves better and raise their children better. A mother and father, parents of two young girls, were in treatment with me. The mother was in therapy addressing her tendency to flee strong emotions from within herself and from others. The father was in therapy addressing his tendency to avoid spontaneity and disturbing emotion by controlling a situation or others.

The father presented for his session looking tense and annoyed but didn’t say a word as he immediately lay down on the therapy couch rather than sitting up to greet me. After a brief pause, he started kicking on the couch. He kicked and kicked and kicked some more with increasing force. He then paused to shout angrily and hit the couch with his fists while continuing to lay on his back. He returned to kicking and then snarled like an animal that had been pent up in a cage. This continued for several more minutes before he slowly petered out and turned to look at me. “I’m frustrated,” he said, looking frustrated but less tense than when he first entered the office.

“Can I hear more?”

“My wife doesn’t touch me like she used to. Or let me touch her like she used to. I hate it and I don’t know what to do. She’s not interested in sex as much as I am. It’s pretty much only when we go away for the night leaving the kids with a sitter. It’s like the stars have to align!”

“Do you talk about it?”

“Yeah, she says it’s not me but she just wants to be left alone. She says the kids always want her, like to be held, and the last thing she wants at night when she can relax is someone else touching her. Ever time I bring it up it just makes things worse. She gets defensive.” He started to kick again and let out more frustrated shouts. His kicking led to more hitting with his fists which then subsided after a few moments. “I thought when the kids weren’t babies anymore things would go back to normal. Nope! And masturbation is terrible. It’s so unsatisfying.”

“Do you believe her? That it’s not you. That she needs to be alone more than she used to?”

“Ugh!” he replied with annoyance. “Yeah,” he added reluctantly.

“Your children are still young. Give her a break. It will take time, but it won’t be like this forever,” I said softly.

“I know, I know. I just wish we could cuddle like we used to. Now, if I try to cuddle with her on the couch…” He paused and started to smile. “She extends her foot to me.” We both laughed.

He and I had several similar sessions where he expressed his frustration in his therapy rather than allow it to fuel pushiness or meanness with his wife—this only interfered further with the two connecting emotionally and physically whether through cuddling or sex. He was slowly able to develop perspective and give up demanding “closeness” and allow it to happen spontaneously, or not. He felt encouraged when he and his wife went out with friends, and he heard that the wife in the other couple had a similar experience which eventually resolved. He remarked to me in one session that over time he seemed to “sync” with his wife so that they were more often in tune with each other. To his surprise, he was able to tolerate less frequent intimacy and just enjoy the time they did have together “when the stars aligned.”

Edited and posted with permission of the ACO.